Andalucia is a trip hazard

 

In Andalucia the builders who construct  outside steps are under instructions to make sure that at least one step is a different height to all the others

 
In Andalucia the same crew who do the steps build wheelchair ramps - which it appears must not be wider than 2ft 6in or less than 45 degrees steep
Andalucian punctuality demands that you arrive at least 20 minutes late
The Spanish Language is Italian spoken with a lisp!
In Andalucia they plant trees and lamp-posts in the centre of the pavement
       
Hazard flashers are solely used to enable double parking
spains motorist's will drive mainly on the right, but sometimes they drive on the left and scooters particularly drive  anywhere they damn well please

In Andalucia car parking is easy - they are not really fussy about where they park
In Andalucia it is essential that when traffic lights change to green, if the vehicle in front has not moved within one quarter of a second, you BLAST your horn.
In Andalucia You are required by law to wear a crash helmet on a scooter or motor-cycle - so be like a local and don't bother!!
There is nothing SHORT about a short in Spain
In Andalucia when crossing the road there are many and frequent pedestrian crossings, controlled by traffic lights and symbols letting you know when it is safe to cross - IGNORE THEM THE SAME AS EVERONE ELSE
The cost of living in Spain is from £1.00 a pint
A Pint in Spain is half as strong again as in England

The sun is

HOT

drink lots of water

or

DEHYDRATE!

The sun is

HOT

wear a hat

or

DEHYDRATE!

The sun is

HOT

cover up

or

DEHYDRATE!

And if you chose not to believe that the sun is really that hot

    EMERGENCY TELEPHONE 112

So you have ignored the last few items and need a Taxi?

    Tel: 952 441 545
When you arrive make one of your first points of call one of the tourist offices and get a free street map

At certain times of the year the Terral wind blows, which is a westerly breeze that gives the feeling of standing in front of a convection oven with the door open, adding considerably to the overall heat.

Mañana means Morning - Mañana means Tomorrow - but most of all Mañana means "Chill" it ain't gonna happen yet

Beware the nice young English people who approach you in the street and offer you a scratch card,  it WILL be a winning scratchcard, and it WILL be for a "major prize" are not of course representing timeshare companies.  This is because they are not called timeshare companies anymore, however you before receiving your prize you WILL be required to spend several hours of your well earned holiday sitting through a "presentation" before finding out that your "major prize" is very likely going to cost you money AND be disappointing.

When approached politely decline their offer - well any decline their offer.  Your holiday will be more enjoyable without the prize.

There are several English language radio stations

(click above to listen)

COASTLINE (97.6)

You don't very often hear them say it anymore but they are still "LOOKY LOOKY" men and as long as you are aware that what you are asked to look at is counterfeit and may not work, but you still want to look at what he is offering remember that he will after bartering be prepared to let you have it for around 1/4 to 1/3 of the original asking price.  Also you should be aware that it now an offence not only to sell counterfeit goods, but also to buy them.

Much better to send them on their way!

There are several free English language newspapers look out for them in Hotels, Shops and Bars THE TOWN CRIER (Monday or Tuesday) THE EURO WEEKLY (Thursday) SUR IN English (Friday)